I don't know what I expected from a game called Star Moans but it wasn't this level of jank. The Kylo Ren model looks like someone sculpted him from memory after watching The Force Awakens once, on a bus, through a dirty window. His mask is somehow too wide and his shoulders are wrong. But then you click on his crotch and there it is. A cock that would make a horse nervous. The proportions are absurd in a way that loops back around to being almost hypnotic.

The whole thing is a meet and fuck setup, you pick Rey or Kylo and then the scene just... happens. No real buildup. One minute Rey is standing there looking vaguely confused, the next she's taking this impossibly huge thing while making sounds I can only describe as a malfunctioning droid. The cumshot animation is the highlight, which isn't saying much since it's about three frames total. It just appears. Like magic. The Force, maybe. The sound design deserves a special mention because whoever recorded the wet noises was either too enthusiastic or not enthusiastic enough, I still can't decide. There's this one squelch that repeats every four seconds and it started making me laugh so hard I had to mute it. Which kind of defeats the purpose.

I've gone back to it three times now. Not because it's good. Because I keep forgetting exactly how strange it is and need to confirm. The replayability isn't in the content, it's in the disbelief. You finish, close the tab, and twenty minutes later you're wondering if you imagined the part where Kylo's lightsaber just clips through the bed. You didn't. It does that every time. The game remembers nothing, no choices matter, there's barely a choice at all really. Pick character, watch thing, done. I think there was supposed to be a second position but I couldn't find it. Maybe I dreamed that too.