I don't know what I expected from a game called Star Moans but it wasn't this level of jank. The Kylo Ren model looks like someone sculpted him from memory after watching The Force Awakens once, on a bus, through a dirty window. His mask is somehow too wide and his shoulders are wrong. But then you click on his crotch and there it is. A cock that would make a horse nervous. The proportions are absurd in a way that loops back around to being almost hypnotic.

The whole thing is a meet and fuck setup, you pick Rey or Kylo and then the scene just... happens. No real buildup. One minute Rey is standing there looking vaguely confused, the next she's taking this impossibly huge thing while making sounds I can only describe as a malfunctioning droid. The cumshot animation is the highlight, which isn't saying much since it's about three frames total. It just appears. Like magic. The Force, maybe. The sound design deserves a special mention because whoever recorded the wet noises was either too enthusiastic or not enthusiastic enough, I still can't decide. There's this one squelch that repeats every four seconds and it started making me laugh so hard I had to mute it. Which kind of defeats the purpose.

I've gone back to it three times now. Not because it's good. Because I keep forgetting exactly how strange it is and need to confirm. The replayability isn't in the content, it's in the disbelief. You finish, close the tab, and twenty minutes later you're wondering if you imagined the part where Kylo's lightsaber just clips through the bed. You didn't. It does that every time. The game remembers nothing, no choices matter, there's barely a choice at all really. Pick character, watch thing, done. I think there was supposed to be a second position but I couldn't find it. Maybe I dreamed that too.

The whole thing runs on a weird engine where the UI feels like it was coded by someone who just discovered RPG Maker and forgot to add the polish. Text boxes overlap sometimes, and the font choices are... a choice. But then you get to the actual scenes with Ahsoka and something clicks. Her corruption path isn't just a checkbox, it's this slow burn where she starts using her force sensitivity in ways the Jedi definitely didn't teach. There's this one handjob scene early on where the writing actually made me forget the janky 2D art for a second. The dialogue has this dry humor that catches you off guard, like the stormtrooper who's way too into his job but also deeply aware he's a cog in a broken machine.

The sandbox structure means you can bounce between Rey's storyline on some backwater planet and then pivot to dealing with criminal syndicates. Choices do matter, sort of. I say sort of because sometimes the game forgets what you did three scenes ago and a character acts like you're strangers again. Drove me nuts when I'd spent time building up a specific relationship only to have the dialogue reset. The parody elements are hit or miss. Some references land, others feel like someone just copied the script from a meme subreddit and called it a day. The vaginal sex scenes with Rey have this weird power dynamic thing going on where she's supposed to be this force-sensitive badass but the writing sometimes reduces her to... well, you know how these games go.

The dystopian setting works better than expected though. Each location has its own vibe, and the corruption mechanics aren't just about sex. You can actually ruin characters' lives in ways that feel uncomfortably realistic for a game that also has a scene where a stormtrooper makes a "your mom" joke. The roleplay elements are there if you squint, but don't expect deep character customization. You're a nobody who makes bad decisions, and the game never lets you forget that. The slave tag content is handled with about as much nuance as you'd expect from a parody game, which is to say none at all. Still, I kept clicking through, which says something about the writing even when the art made me wince.