You know what got me? The loading screen. It's this sketchy map of the Bahamas with little X marks and I sat there thinking about how Black Sails ended and got mad all over again. Then the game starts and you're this navy guy John Silver, not the cool one from the show just some lieutenant, and immediately you're captured by these women pirates. Not complaining. The first scene where the captain interrogates you, her tits basically doing the talking while she's going on about empire this and territory that, I forgot to read the dialogue twice.

The art is 2D but like, the kind where you can tell someone spent way too long on the nipples and not enough on the backgrounds. Some scenes the ship looks gorgeous, other times it's just a brown blur behind two characters going at it. Sarah's storyline though. You switch to her perspective and she's this noblewoman who's also captured and her whole arc is discovering she's into the pirate queen's... everything. There's this one scene in the captain's quarters where the game just lets you watch through a crack in the door while they're going down on each other and the sound design is just wet noises and creaking wood. I had to mute it because my neighbor's kid was outside.

The power struggle stuff between crews gets confusing. Something about the Spanish wanting the islands and different pirate factions and I kept clicking through to get to the next sex scene. The handjob scene with the redhead navigator was worth it though, she talks dirty about navigation coordinates while doing it which shouldn't be hot but it is. Game crashed once during a threesome setup and I almost threw my phone. The mobile version is buggy as hell but what're you gonna do, play it on desktop like some kind of accountant?