ok so i was playing this new one, CRIME LAWN REPEAT, right, and the whole thing is basically what if desperate housewives but you're the sketchy new guy with a boner and a notepad. you move into this perfect little suburb with your brother, and the lawns are so green it hurts your eyes. but the neighbor lady, fuck me, she's got an ass that could end wars and she's all "welcome to the neighborhood" while her eyes say she knows you're full of shit.

the game is this weird sandbox where you just... poke around. literally. you click on things, you talk to people, you find their dirty secrets. i spent like twenty minutes just watching the milf next door through her window, and the animation is janky as hell, like a ps2 game that got left in the sun, but somehow that makes it hotter? she's doing yoga, her tits are practically staging a prison break from her top, and the whole time i'm thinking, is my character a detective or just a pervert. the game never really decides and honestly same.

the sex stuff hits different when you're supposed to be investigating crimes. you get a handjob from this nervous neighbor and mid stroke she lets slip something about her husband's "business trips" and suddenly you're taking mental notes while getting your dick wet. it's so wrong it circles back to brilliant. the anal scene with the criminal milf, i won't spoil it, but let's just say the mystery plot and the porn plot crash into each other like two cars in a suburban intersection. the writing is clunky, the secrets are predictable, and i still couldn't stop playing. don't even get me started on the masturbation scenes, your guy just whips it out in the most unhinged moments, like dude we are supposed to be gathering clues not gathering... you know.