The dealer is a chocolate woman. I don't mean metaphorically. She's literally coated in something dark and shiny, and the whole table has this weird brown tint like someone spilled hot fudge on the felt. The game is blackjack, but not really. You're hunting for four cards, one from each suit, that add up to 21. That's the only way she takes anything off.

I kept getting hearts. Three rounds in a row, just hearts hearts hearts, and she's standing there half dressed with this smirk that made me want to throw my laptop. The strip mechanics are tied to these weird arcade catcher segments between hands. You have to physically grab the cards you need while they float around, and the hitboxes are terrible. I mean genuinely bad. I missed a spade four times and she just laughed. The sound design is basically nonexistent except for this one stock moan that plays when you finally get a piece of clothing off.

The real model thing. She's attractive, sure, but the whole chocolate gimmick gets distracting. Is it supposed to be sexy? It looks like she fell into a vat of pudding. I spent more time wondering about the cleanup process than actually enjoying the striptease. The animations are stiff. When she removes her top there's this weird pause like the game forgot what it was doing, then it snaps into place and you get a flash of pixelated nipple before the next hand starts.

Actually the nipple censorship is inconsistent. Sometimes it's there, sometimes it's not. I think it depends on which suit you complete first? I never figured it out because the RNG hates me and I kept drawing clubs.

The catcher minigame is the worst part. It's supposed to be this sexy interlude but it's just frustrating. The cards move in patterns that don't make sense. One time a diamond just shot off screen and never came back. I had to restart the whole round. The dealer kept her panties on for like twenty minutes because of that bug. I was genuinely angry.

But when it works, when you finally get that 21 with all four suits, there's this moment where she leans forward and the chocolate cracks a little around her collarbone and you can see actual skin underneath. That part. That part I liked.