The spice must flow, right? But nobody told me managing a desert planet would involve this much... logistics. I'm Paul Atreides, fresh off the space-boat, and my first royal decree is apparently figuring out which Fremen woman to bed. The game drops you into Arrakeen palace with a map screen that looks like it was drawn in MS Paint during a sandstorm. You click around, talk to people, and somehow this leads to very explicit encounters. The art is that specific era of Flash where proportions are a suggestion, not a rule. Tits the size of sandworms. I'm not complaining.

The pickup system is basically a stat check wearing a trenchcoat. You wander the palace, find a character, and if your "leadership" or whatever is high enough, clothes start disappearing. There's this one scene with a Bene Gesserit that caught me off guard. The dialogue is pure parody, lines so bad they circle back to being funny. "Your spice melange isn't the only thing rising." I actually snorted. The hard sex scenes are animated with the enthusiasm of a flipbook, but there's a rawness to it that works. It's not trying to be elegant. It's trying to show Paul Atreides getting his dick wet in the desert, and on that front, mission accomplished.

I wish the management part mattered more. You get these prompts about spice harvesting and worm attacks, but it feels disconnected from the fucking. Like, I'm making decisions about ornithopters and then suddenly I'm balls deep in a concubine. The tonal whiplash is real. A DLC where your governance choices directly affect who's willing to spread their legs would be something. Imagine failing a spice quota and the Fremen are too pissed to bang. That's the game I want. For now, it's a messy, horny fever dream that doesn't give a shit about canon. Paul's dad is probably rolling in his grave, but hey, the spice must... you know.