OK so the real draw here isn't the "story" mode, it's the community patched version where some absolute legend fixed the dragon ball girls. Vados finally has proper scene triggers that don't bug out halfway through, and Kefla's whole route is unlocked without having to grind that stupid legend of the phoenix minigame. God I hated that thing. The official devs left Mallow from pokemon just sitting there with placeholder text for like six months but the Discord mods have her fully voiced now, animated pov creampie scenes and all. Speaking of which whoever did the sound mix for Carmillia's scenes deserves a raise from someone, jesus. Those wet squelch effects during her oral sequences? *bites lip*

The base game structure is basically a knockoff dating sim hub but honestly I forgot about the "romance" tagging after I found the BB route hidden four screens deep behind Malleus Draconia's castle. Type moon purists will scream about the caster of endings portrayal being way off character but when she's riding you reverse cowgirl while whispering that gravely servant dialogue who even cares. The woohoo mechanics with Jaina Proudmoore have this weird synergy with the impregnation tracker that creates strangely compelling gameplay loops even if the orc world of warcraft segments with Garrosh look like they were animated on a nokia phone. I spent two hours trying to figure out how to unlock the Reinhardt female domination scene before realizing it's bugged unless you complete minamoto no raikou's arc first.

The loli tagged characters feel wrong though load up the Ishtar or HeLes scenes instead, those have the best lighting in the whole 3dcg engine. Nice twist on the boku no hero characters too, Kyoka Jiro gets way more content than you'd expect while Tsuyu Asui barely has anything despite being in all the promo screenshots. Makes no sense. I've literally beat the entire thing twice and still can't trigger Maki Zenin's final scene, is it RNG based or what. The saber Artoria Pendragon pregnancy endings though those are worth the whole download, especially with the community texture packs that fix her big areola rendering.

The car crash bit is whatever. Standard setup. But then Hypno just fucks off into the woods and suddenly the whole town is a "human-pokemon free relationship zone" and honestly that's the kind of worldbuilding that makes me sit up straight. Nuvema Town got weird. Prof. Juniper is there in her lab coat but the lab coat doesn't stay on long, and Delia Ketchum is... around. Being helpful. In ways Ash would probably not want to know about.

The Hypno mechanic is the whole game though. You don't control Hilbert directly, you're basically steering this rogue Hypno around town, and his whole deal is hypnotizing women and pokemon alike. Gardevoir, Tsareena, Blaziken. The 3DCG models are a bit stiff, the animations loop in that way where you can see the exact frame they reset. But the sheer variety of who you can mind-control is doing a lot of heavy lifting. There's a scene with Officer Jenny and Nurse Joy at the same time that I kept coming back to, not because it was polished but because the expressions on their faces are just blank enough to be creepy in the right way. The gay tag is there too, some scenes with male trainers like Cheren and Tupp, though the game clearly has favorites and Gloria and Mallow get way more attention.

The dating sim tag is a lie by the way. There's no dating. There's just Hypno doing his thing and people standing around waiting for it. I spent twenty minutes trying to figure out if there was an affection system before realizing no, it's just scene after scene. The mobile game tag makes sense, this feels like something you'd play on a phone in bed, one hand free. The Hermione character shows up which is a weird pull, like the dev just imported whatever model they had lying around. Not complaining exactly. Just confused. The free relationship zone concept could've been explored more but instead it's mostly just an excuse for everyone to be available. Which, fair. That's what I was there for.

So the holiday theme this time is, I don't know, the Feast of Maximum Occupancy or something. And this game, it's like someone threw a bunch of action figures into a blender and hit puree. You got your Dragon Ball Z types, Kale and Caulifla, looking like they could bench press a planet but also they're suddenly very interested in your protagonist's, uh, ki signature. Then there's the Fate crew, Saber, who is Artoria Pendragon if you want to be formal, acting all regal until she's not. The whole thing is a weird multiverse travelogue where the romance is less about talking and more about immediate, graphic negotiation.

The 3DCG is deliberately unpolished, like a holiday decoration that's been in the attic too long. Android 21 from DBZ, she's there, and her whole deal gets weirdly philosophical while you're trying to angle the POV just right. The game forgets it has an adventure tag for long stretches. You just click, and then a character like Nemuri Kayama, Midnight from My Hero, is dominating the scene, and the impregnation risk is just a given, a background fact like the weather. The big tits are, well, they're present and accounted for, on everyone from Lusamine to Chun Li, who shows up for a round of street fighting that ends very differently than the Capcom cup.

There's this one moment with Himiko Toga that's genuinely unsettling, her whole blood obsession thing, and then two clicks later you're in a completely vanilla creampie scene with Tsuyu Asui and it's like the game got amnesia. The loli tag applies to a few characters like Lillie from Pokemon, and it's handled with all the grace of a brick through a window, which I guess is the point. The female domination stuff is strong with Vados and Heles, they just sort of take over the narrative for a bit. I completely forgot about the Castlevania characters, Felicia from Darkstalkers is there being a cat, and the whole thing is a mess. A sticky, holiday themed mess where Wu Zetian from some phone game I don't know is suddenly the most interesting person in the room for five minutes. The male protagonist is a void, a nothing, just a viewpoint for all these creampies and oral fixations. It's a feast, alright.

I remember when these html text games were all the rage, like some fever dream from Newgrounds that refused to die. Now they're back with actual porn stars, which is either brilliant or the most desperate thing I've seen since that time I tried to jerk off to a corrupted jpeg of Riley Reid. The whole thing runs in browser, no fiddling with Ren'Py or whatever the kids use these days. Just you, some cards, and Lana Rhoades looking at you like she knows you've already lost three hands in a row because you keep hitting on 17 like an absolute degenerate.

The blackjack itself. Christ. It's blackjack. The dealer stands on soft 17, which I only noticed because I was losing so much I started actually reading the rules instead of just clicking buttons hoping to see some tits. The cards shuffle with this weird delay sometimes, like the RNG is having an existential crisis mid-hand. Got dealt two aces once and the game just froze for a solid ten seconds before letting me split. Thought my browser was about to crash and take my dignity with it. The text descriptions of what the girls are doing are about as creative as a wet sock, "she removes her top" revolutionary stuff, really pushing the boundaries of erotic literature here. But then you win a hand and suddenly there's actual video content of Sasha Grey and you forget all about the clunky interface because holy shit that's actually her.

Valentina Nappi's in this too, which I didn't expect. The striptease mechanic is tied directly to your wins, lose too many hands and you're just staring at a fully clothed porn star while the game basically calls you poor. It's not a dating sim, there's no branching narrative where you woo Lana with your knowledge of probability theory, just pure card game with the occasional reward of exclusive videos. Which, by the way, the "exclusive" part I'm skeptical about, probably just some BTS footage from a Brazzers shoot in 2016 but whatever. The whole thing feels like someone took a basic blackjack tutorial and duct-taped celebrity porn to it, and honestly? That's exactly what I wanted at 2 PM on a Tuesday when I should've been doing literally anything else. New girls supposedly coming in updates, which means this glorified card game has a roadmap. A roadmap. For blackjack. With porn stars. What a time to be alive.

You know what I tracked first? The exact number of losses before Lana's mask comes off. 7 hands. I lost 7 hands in a row, deliberately, just to see if the Black Canary cosplay stays on forever. It doesn't. The leather jacket slides down her shoulders on hand 4, the fishnets get rolled down one leg at a time around hand 6, and that stupid domino mask, the one that somehow makes everything hotter, that stays until the final piece. I have a spreadsheet. Don't judge me.

The blackjack itself is broken in a way I can't stop thinking about. Dealer stands on soft 17, which is standard, but the card counting, oh man, the card counting doesn't work because the deck reshuffles after every hand. I ran the numbers. The probability of hitting 21 when she's showing a 6 is still around 11%, but it feels worse because you're distracted by the striptease animations looping in the background. There's this one animation where she adjusts her choker and the whole thing stutters, like the game forgot what frame comes next. Happens every third win. I wish they'd fix it, but they won't. This thing is what it is.

Lana's model has this weird lighting on her collarbone that makes her look like a mannequin from a store that went out of business in 2006. The arcade cabinet framing, with the score counters and the flashing "INSERT COIN" text that doesn't do anything when you click it, that part actually works for me. Reminds me of those old browser games on Newgrounds where you'd play strip poker against a jpeg of Tifa. Same energy. The numbers float over her tits in this ugly green font, and when you bust, the "BUST" text covers her face completely, which is either a bug or a design choice from someone who understands frustration as a fetish. I'm still not sure which. Probably both.

The whole thing runs on a weird timing system where you click to match a moving bar with a highlighted zone. Miss and Lana just stands there, maybe adjusts her hair. Hit it right and another piece comes off. The bar speed changes each round, sometimes crawling, sometimes zipping past before you can blink. I spent way too long on the third stage because the window was like two pixels wide and my mouse hand was not cooperating. There's a score counter in the corner that I completely ignored until it started flashing red at me.

Lana herself is this skinny blonde with that specific look of someone who's been doing this for a while but still manages to seem slightly bored by the whole thing. The animations are deliberately rough, like someone filmed it on a phone from 2015 and then ran it through a compression algorithm designed to make everything look slightly worse. Which honestly adds something. You know how some of those old Newgrounds games had that specific jank that made them more memorable than the polished stuff? Same energy here. Though I wish there was more variety in her expressions. She has exactly one face and it's "mildly inconvenienced."

The arcade structure means you're basically playing a rhythm game without the music, which is a choice. No soundtrack at all actually, just the clicking sound of your own failures. I kept thinking about that one mobile game where you run a sushi restaurant but instead of fish you're just trying to get the timing right on rice placement. This is nothing like that but my brain made the connection anyway. The strip element is straightforward, no weird powerups or bonus rounds, just you versus the timing bar and Lana's increasingly minimal outfit. By the final stage I was more invested in beating my previous score than anything else, which probably says something about how these mechanics get their hooks in.