The stat screen is the first thing that hits you, a spreadsheet of numbers that feels like someone stapled an Excel doc onto a porn game. I’m not complaining, exactly. There’s something weirdly honest about a game that just comes out and says “Your Charisma is 2, good luck getting laid.” Fuck Town doesn’t pretend to be anything other than what it is, a pickup simulator where you grind life skills to unlock sex scenes with the women scattered across a tiny city map.

I spent the first while just working a job and reading books. Literally clicking a library to raise Intelligence so a girl named, I think, Mia would stop laughing at my character’s dialogue. The whole loop is work, sleep, hit the bar to raise some other bar, repeat. It’s the most mundane power fantasy ever. I got into a rhythm of it, almost forgot the point until I finally hit the required level and her icon lit up. The scene itself is fine, static images with text, the usual. She has massive tits, obviously, the game isn’t subtle about that. But the build up, that stupid grind, somehow made it feel like an achievement. A hollow one, like getting a high score in a mobile game you hate but can’t stop playing.

The city navigation is a pain. Clicking the wrong pixel sends you to the gym instead of the bookstore and suddenly you’re wasting an in-game day. I kept mixing up which corner the bar was on. The whole thing looks like it was drawn in a notebook during a boring class, which I guess is part of the charm. Or not charm, more like a deliberate lack of polish that makes you feel like you’re playing something from a forgotten corner of the internet. It’s not a long term relationship kind of game. It’s a first date where you realize you have nothing in common but you still go home together because the bus isn’t running and you’re both bored. I don’t know if that’s a recommendation. I already uninstalled it but I keep thinking about that stupid stat screen.