Right, so there I was, absolutely certain this was going to be some intricate spy thriller. You know, gadgets, maybe a decoder ring. Instead I got a cow. Well, a spy who is also a cow. The plot, and I use that word loosely, is that you’re putting some kind of medieval vice on this woman’s chest. It’s a dedicated milking device, a real piece of farm equipment, and the whole game is just you cranking that thing tighter. The channel is pretty one track.

The squirt mechanic is the whole point. It’s not subtle. It’s like someone looked at a hentai tag list and built a single interaction around it. The sound design is what got me. there’s this wet, sloshing noise, like someone stepping in a puddle with a heavy boot, that plays every time you get a result. It’s so absurdly loud and specific, I started laughing and completely lost the, uh, mood, for a solid five minutes. My neighbor probably thinks I was unclogging a drain. Very unpolished on purpose, they say. The character model has this dead eyed stare that reminds me of a pug I saw on instagram that was afraid of a toaster. She just watches you turn the crank, completely checked out. Destiny believer? The only fated romance here is between this poor woman and a hydraulic press.

I spent way too long trying to figure out the optimal cranking speed. There is none. It’s just click. Wait for the wet noise. Click again. Like a really depressing cookie clicker. The occupation is meant to be spy, but the only thing she’s infiltrating is a dairy. I kept waiting for a twist, like a rival agent bursts in with a state of the art electronic pump. Nothing. Just the farm. Just the eternal, unblinking stare and the sound of liquid hitting a metal bucket. The control scheme is just one button, and I think the sound effect is a stock audio file called ‘wet meat slap 3’. I’m not even mad. This is the most committed piece of anti gameplay I’ve ever seen. A masterwork in not being a good game.