What a mess of a first impression. The controls, holy shit, they’re like trying to finger a girl with boxing gloves on. You got these two anime schoolgirls, a redhead and a brunette in their cute little uniforms, and you’re supposed to guide them through this dungeon. But the input is so janky, it feels like you’re fighting the game more than the monsters. That deliberate unpolished thing? It’s not charming, it’s just sloppy. Like wearing last season’s knockoff Prada to Fashion Week, you know? Saw a girl try that once at Milan, the stitching was a tragedy. Anyway, the brunette got cornered by this tentacle thing because I couldn’t figure out how to swap characters fast. The game doesn’t tell you, just throws you in. And then the *** scene starts, all rough and pixelated, and it’s hot in a trashy way but I’m still pissed about the button mapping.

But then, and I hate this, you kind of get it. Like a pair of shoes that hurt for the first hour then suddenly feel custom made. The redhead has this slide move that’s pure sex, dodging a slime monster’s grab by a pixel. There’s a rhythm to the chaos, switching between the girls to bait enemies, letting one get almost caught so the other can kick a lever. It’s thrilling. The monster designs are basic but effective, all dripping and grabby, and the schoolgirl outfits rip in the most satisfying places. The uniform skirt physics are a disaster though, clipping through legs like a glitchy Instagram filter. Reminds me of that time I tried filming a haul video and my ring light died mid spin.

Forget what I said earlier. The control scheme is actually genius in how it forces these panicked fumbles. There’s a moment with a giant slime boss where I sacrificed the brunette on purpose, watching her get pinned down while I scrambled with the redhead to find a power up. Her skirt was gone, monster was all over her, and the game just let it happen. It’s a grimy, nasty little experience that doesn’t pretend to be more. Not sure if the dungeon even has an end, I kept dying in this spike pit section because the jump timing is a cruel joke. The sound design is just wet squelches and gasps, no music. It works. I’m not sure I like it but I didn’t stop. The redhead’s expressions during the scenes are weirdly detailed, a mix of terror and something else. Might just be bad animation. The whole thing feels like a dirty secret you find on a forgotten forum at, wait, I shouldn’t mention times. It just feels like a dirty secret. Like that one app, what’s it called, Hole House, but less polished even. And that’s saying something.