The pickup line mechanic is busted. I picked heart breaker, right, thinking I’d be smooth. First thing I say to Aria Giovanni, something about her eyes being like pools of something, and she just stares. The text box goes blank for a second then she’s like “I’m bored.” No transition, no gradual annoyance. Just straight to bored. I reload, try technician. Same line, she suddenly wants to kiss. Makes no sense. The whole seduction part feels like rolling dice with a broken random number generator.

The dress up stuff is weirdly detailed though. You can buy this cheap looking red lingerie set and then zoom in and rotate Aria around like she’s a car in a showroom. I spent way too long doing that. The textures on the clothes are all stretched wrong, especially the skirts, they clip through her legs when she moves. But there’s something hypnotic about it. Like playing with a doll that’s slightly cursed. The real model thing is hit or miss, some of them look almost right, others like a bad wax statue. Anita Dark’s face in the beauty contest scene haunts me a little.

The sex scenes unlock after you manage to not get immediately rejected. They’re short loops, very mechanical. The sound is just one track on repeat, some generic smooth jazz that cuts off abruptly when the scene ends. I laughed out loud the first time. You can also bang a hooker or buy a lovedoll, which I did because why not. The doll just lies there. No interaction. A perfect summary of my romantic efforts in this game. The whole thing feels like a weird time capsule from early internet, unpolished in a way that’s almost charming if you squint. I wish the jury minigame was more than just clicking a button, but it won’t be.