I got this game because the tag said "romance" and I am, how you say, a hopeful idiot. My last relationship ended when she stole my favorite non-stick pan. So a goblin girl in a prison cell, promising me a good time for a piece of meat? This is already more honest communication than I've had in years. The whole thing is a visual novel, first person, you're just a guard in this creepy little camp and she starts yapping at you through the bars. Her teeth are pointy. I don't know why that got me.

The survival tag is a joke. You don't craft a bow or find berries. You survive her verbal assault. She's got this raspy voice in the text, you can almost hear it, and she's talking about your "meat" and it's not subtle. Not even a little bit. The game is short, like, really short, and it's unpolished in a way that feels like someone made it in a fever dream after a bad breakup. The dialogue choices are basically "give her the meat" or "ignore her." I ignored her first, just to see. She gets mean. Calls you a coward. And I felt genuinely bad, which is pathetic, but here we are. The fantasy setting is just window dressing for a very direct transaction.

The adult scenes are... look, it's a goblin. In a cell. There's a lot of green skin and enthusiastic consent that borders on aggressive. The first person perspective makes it feel weirdly personal, like you're really there, a lonely guard making the worst decision of his career. I wish there was more, I guess. More buildup, more game. But then I remember my ex and the pan and I think, maybe this is the perfect amount. No lies. Just a goblin who wants what she wants. I haven't felt this seen since... never mind. The game crashed once when I clicked too fast. I just reloaded it. Didn't even care.