The music loops are doing something weird to my brain. Not in a good way, more like a repetitive whisper that makes me feel like I'm the one who fell down the rabbit hole and hit my head. It's the same tinkly fantasy tune, over and over, while Alice is explaining something about her kingdom and I'm just staring at her pixelated tits. They're... fine. Nothing to write home about, you know? The whole thing looks like someone drew it on a napkin and then colored it in with cheap markers. Deliberately, they say. Unpolished on purpose.

But then Jack, the beanstalk guy, shows up and he's got this weirdly detailed bulge and the dialogue option pops up. "Help him climb his stalk." I snorted. Actually snorted my drink. The choices are so blunt it loops back around to being hilarious. One minute you're deciding whether to steal Rumplestiltskin's gold, the next you're balls deep in the Queen of Hearts while she screams about chopping your