Billy's Quest, right. Felt like I was playing something my weird uncle coded in a shed after his third divorce. It's a fantasy RPG, you run around, there's goblins and wolves and giant spiders that move like they're wading through glue. Real-time combat means you click, they die, or you die while fumbling for a health potion. The whole thing looks like a dragon quest fanfic drawn on a napkin. I got this shiny breastplate, looked like a tin can, and I felt like a god for maybe four seconds before an orc with a bad attitude turned me into paste.

The bugs. Oh, the patch notes are a journey. Dude forgot a single equals sign and broke the tutorial, classic. I was stuck in a fade-to-black screen thinking it was some deep narrative choice. It wasn't. The dev's practically begging for comments on facebook. It's that level of polish, the kind where you're not playing a game, you're beta testing a cry for help. And yet, I collected like, a hundred different herbs. No idea what for. The inventory is a mess, just a pile of swords and wolf pelts and this one weirdly detailed 'shiny armour' that clips through my character's legs when he walks.

There's a part with a spider cave. It's dark. You can't see shit. My torch ran out. I just kept swinging at the sounds, this chittering noise that's still in my head. Found a magic ring that was supposed to boost my fire spell but it just made my guy glow slightly orange. Pointless. I spent twenty minutes trying to climb a mountain that wasn't even a path, just a steep pile of brown pixels, because I thought I saw a treasure chest. There was nothing. It's like the dev just... forgot to finish that corner of the map. The whole game is a loose collection of almost-things, like a song played on an out-of-tune guitar. It's frustrating, it's ugly, and I can't stop thinking about that damn spider cave. I need to know what was at the end. Probably just another wolf pelt.