The engine chugs on my midrange phone like a cart with a square wheel, and the texture pop-in during the castle courtyard scene made me think my browser was having a seizure. But then Geraldine bends over a hay bale and suddenly I don't care about draw distance anymore. Funny how that works.

You play Gregory, some royal ostler who's supposed to marry this absolute smoke show, but half of medieval England is trying to get their grubby hands on her. The quest structure is basically fetch this, talk to that, but every third NPC wants to rail your fiancée. There's a monk character who keeps showing up with these side quests that feel like they were written by someone who got kicked out of a monastery for drawing tits in the margins. The secret word is MONK by the way, if you need it for some unlock or whatever.

The dialogue is rough, like translated through three languages rough, but honestly that adds to the charm. One minute you're negotiating with a blacksmith about horseshoes, next minute Geraldine is getting plowed behind the chapel while you're stuck in a loading screen. The game doesn't even try to hide what it is. No pretense of deep RPG mechanics or branching narrative. It's horny medieval England with janky animations and a soundtrack that loops every forty seconds. I wish the stable scene had more camera angles but it won't. The physics on Geraldine's chest are absurd, like someone coded them while drunk, and I respect that. Actually no I don't, it breaks immersion every time she walks. But then she walks again and I forget what I was complaining about.